It took me a million years in setting up my blog site. And I’ve gathered loads of courage and meaningful realizations before I found myself typing and publishing my first entry.
As I was preparing to travel and face the new adventures that await me, I know I had to become a new and better version of myself. I finally came to realize that the only way to continue moving forward is by somehow cleaning up my battle scars and developing a backbone. In doing so, I had to drop the slightest baggage that I have and prepare myself for something even greater. I know I needed more space to make way for new set of experiences, including personal victory and heartaches. And just as I was expecting, starting out did not turn out very easy at all. Never mind people teasing me of taking everything so seriously or people telling me to loosen up and stop being so pressured. I’ve learned to love and embrace pressure, most of the time I loathed it, but I realized that it’s the only thing that distracts and keeps me together at the same time.
The first step that I had to do was to accept the fact that I can never be forever 21. I grow up and old each day and things have and will continue to become more difficult and complicated. I have not totally forgotten about school and from time to time I still find myself reminiscing and wishing I could still go back at the time when I had less obligations. And I’ve just had enough, I know I needed to stop looking back and simply learn to build a new life.
As 2012 ended, I’ve started taking responsibility for my life. Yes, it’s been only a month and I know I’ve made much progress. I have been trying my best to stop depending too much on other people, though I perfectly know that help will be much willingly given to me if I ask for it. I have also learned to stop wearing each one of my feelings right out in the open, where anybody who came along could easily judge or misunderstand them, something I have learned in months of reading my new set of favorite books. Just recently, I also found out that I could give credit to myself when it comes to deciding what really is best for me, deciding what will and will not work for me, instead of asking around. I should know better. These things are not at all very easy tasks. Sometimes I stick to it, sometimes I still break my own rules, just like how I divulge too much of my feelings in this blog now. But since I am trying to build my future, one thing’s for sure, I know I had to feel my reality first before anybody else gets to taste it.
In the middle of “recreating” myself, what I have failed to foresee was a distraction. There would always be a barrier in life, but sometimes you simply come unprepared. Come to think of it, I have forgotten that life is one hell of a roller coaster ride. Quoting from the book “Honey Moon” written by one of my favorite authors Susan Elizabeth Phillips,
“You simply go back up again. With a roller coaster, hell is only temporary.”
Yes, please God let it be true. Admittedly, things do not always turn out the way we expect it to be. At some point, one has to believe that things simply happen for reasons we may fail to understand at first. God has other better plans. At least I for one, strongly believe in this. But still, there are times that you simply lose it; so hopeful in one day and full of despair in another. And at times like this, I normally get devastated for a night, sometimes plus another day. Right now, I have accepted the fact that there are some wounds that have not been totally healed just yet, that stops me from totally looking ahead and moving forward. But God has been and is really good. Always good to me, especially now. How can pieces fall together in such a very short time? The exact reason I am writing my thoughts now is for me not to forget Him and His doings. God speaks to me, now more than ever in so many ways and in high volumes. How can His timing be so perfect? How can a movie become so meaningful? Or perhaps a book, a dream, or a person he sent to answer all the remaining questions left? These are not just some ordinary coincidences but God’s own way of intervening. It’s about time to leave everything that doesn’t matter much aside and start looking forward to better days. Tiwala lang, magiging okay din lahat. I know I just needed to become brave and a lot stronger.
And today I’ve learned that in turning new pages, one must learn to let go and surrender. For me, opportunities are second chances provided to move forward, grow and live fully. I just have to use this one well. Now that I feel better, I can definitely create my new adventure and find my miracle. I know I just have to wait for the skies/heavens to open up for me and go crazy again. Just keep going.